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( I love you more than you will ever know)

[03 Jun 2015|05:45pm]
“I often see how you sob over what you destroy, how you want to stop and just worship; and you do stop, and then a moment later you are at it again with a knife, like a surgeon. ”
― Anaïs Nin

( I love you more than you will ever know)

tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone.. [03 Mar 2015|09:35am]
[ mood | the starting line. ]

It's snowing. I'm high. It's my Sunday. My alarm just went off. I assumed I'd sleep all day if I didn't set one as I stayed up late. But I've been up since 7.

I'm incredibly thankful I have so many excuses to stay home and watch hulu and eat in bed.

I wish more days were like this. I really wish I could eat more. I hate the way my appetite is nonexistent when I take the medicine that helps me function at my best. And when I don't take meds food is an afterthought and I'm sitting here with my stomach legitimately growling and food next to me I haven't touched. Marquette and I celebrated my 103.8lbs yesterday because I'm in the 100 club. I don't really care I just wish I didn't have to actively participate in eating to be healthy or have energy. I had a few extra days off work last week and I ate so much and I really enjoyed it, but I wasn't on any medication except weed I was just kickin it. Now it's back to business and back to probably 98lbs.

For the record, and not even my dad I guess knows this, but if you ever really want me to eat.. give me cheese pizza, don't make a big deal about the fact that I'm eating, and let me be. Preferably Celestinos or Pulcinella and they sell it by the slice so you don't waste money on a whole pizza knowing full well I'll only eat one piece. Maybe two. MAYBE.

( I love you more than you will ever know)

i was the only one who got burned [02 Mar 2015|08:23pm]
between sheets and eyelids,
i am reminded why i don't do this.

i fall in love far too quickly. i never want her to forget me.

when you're gone, will you call? will you write?

( I love you more than you will ever know)

The Truth [02 Mar 2015|06:54pm]
In a sense, I have always been a romantic. I'm ridiculously loyal, I leave cute notes hidden in packed lunches, blush over sweet messages and gestures, I love love songs, I love kisses and snuggling and the rest. In another sense, due to an incredibly arduous history of abandonment, my mom's tendency to date narcissists during my teenage years, other stories for another day...in another sense, I am ridiculously terrified to fall in love, to be in a real relationship. There's a reason I stayed so long with a person who would never be the person I ended up with, the person who liked me the least out of literally everyone I know, the person who didn't actually want me and therefore need me. The love songs I love the most are sad songs of lost love. I'm so scared of love. I've never had an example of this real, healthy love I keep reading about. My eyes have not witnessed it in my life, how can I not be skeptical?

So, while I've always wanted someone in my life to fill the void I've been aware of since the age of about 13, I've generally just wanted someone for that reason. This is where it gets tricky. This is where words like "self love" and "self respect" come into play. Many would assume a lack of these is what would bring a person to endure the sort of treatment someone like myself has. It does sound about right. But I never completely abandoned my true self. Interestingly, when I was in my bakery I was the true Laur. Something with my soul connected so strongly with the owners, the customers, the pastries, even.. Something woke me up when I arrived and welcomed me home. I was still the vibrant, outgoing, strong, confident, happy human being I was before I met that guy who never saw those things in me. I still had self esteem. The self respect had mostly fled, clearly. Why else would I put myself through that? But that was not entirely gone either as, towards the end, I began noticing just how fucked up all this was and began wondering why was I not seeking more.

Then I began seeking more. I saw a light at the end and I was actually excited. I started telling myself in the mirror, on little notes I'd hide for myself in my purse, just how wonderful and confident and strong and lovely I am. I tried not to be hard on myself for the situation I was in and just focusing on better days ahead. Essentially, I was quietly rebuilding myself and my comeback. I took on an attitude that I didn't give a motherfuck what someone with ill intentions thought about me. I decided that was none of my business. I reminded myself that I have an inner Beyonce and she's dope and I don't have to put up with shit that doesn't serve me. That's how it was so easy to leave once I set out to. Because I remembered my worth. I remembered how much I love myself.

Cue the cognitive dissonance. Despite all this work, and therapy, and learning, and self love, and growth, I find myself here scared to death of something real. Like what everyone told me it's "supposed to be like." I'm 26 years old and I know they write articles about how worrying about what life's supposed to be like in your 20's will ruin your 20's but I can't help it! Can anyone? My mom was married with 2 kids living in a house with 2 kitchens when she was my age. But then, she divorced my dad when I was 8 to date deadbeats and assholes, so I can't model my life after hers. But seriously, I spent the day taking care of my best friend's 7 year old daughter and 2 year old son. She has a family.. I have an enormous fear of having a family. A husband, kids, a close relationship with my own.. It's not that I don't think I deserve it. I think I do. But it's just weird to me. It's not what I know. I don't get it. Therefore I find myself destroying relationships with the good ones. I've dumped a few guys that were incredibly nice to me, respectful, didn't cheat, things I always wanted my ex to do but if he had, would I have cared? I do appreciate it. I do think it's a pleasant surprise when a man does something genuinely kind for me without a motive. I don't know where to find or how to turn off the part of my mind that finds this suspicious, and weird, and scary, and tells me to run. Every time it tells me to run. I have allowed a few very good men to become victim to what I now realize is my fear of commitment. I told one of them he could read this journal today so he could understand... I don't think this will be an easy or happy read if he chooses to but I didn't even realize my absence could cause very much unease and when I found out how just hiding away made him feel, I wanted him to know the truth. I always want to tell the truth, that's another thing that makes it so easy to cut myself off from people...I don't want to lie, I certainly don't want them to know the truth. I didn't think if I disappeared it mattered.

I really wanted to hide from this part. I've been seeing (for lack of better term.. gone on dates with and getting to know) someone for a couple of weeks. I'm sorry D that I hid from you instead of talking to you about this. He's the opposite of what I'm used to. He's respectful and giving and kind. I appreciate this person and the respect he has for me. He told me he treats me this way because I deserve to be treated this way and I believe him. Without a shadow of a doubt I quickly remembered how much I am worth, loved, respected, appreciated. This is all wonderful but I take issue with it for three reasons. These three reasons I will later be explaining to this guy, probably in less brutally honest detail, who's perfect on paper.. just not for me. 1. It is way too soon. My therapist said something like, "Even if this guy is the most perfect guy in the world, ever, that ever was, you'd be batshit crazy to jump into a new relationship right now." I'm pretty crazy but not batshit.. 2. This person, while he evokes a lot of strength and determination and ambition in me, does not evoke any romance in me. I'm certain he was placed in my path for a reason but I am not certain it was for love. He definitely has eased my fears that the world is filled with only assholes who are out to treat me like shit. But that's exactly the point. My past experience is abnormal... Being treated well should be a requirement, not a rare occurrence that I will not come across again. 3. I AM SO IN LOVE WITH MYSELF and my potential. When I'm in a relationship, I get distracted from my dreams and responsibilities. I want to be a prosecutor, I'm working towards that. I love my job, my bosses and customers treat me well and they deserve the best of me. I love my alone time and getting to know myself again. I love my best friend and her children, they're my family and they deserve the best of me. I appreciate that this guy does not want to dim my light or put me in a cage. I know he wants to support my goals. What he doesn't understand is I don't know how to let a boyfriend do that. There's like 98 more actual reasons like I haven't been actually single in years, his roommate is a narcissist exactly like my ex and mom's ex boyfriends who treats me like either a pest or as if I am not even there, I don't want to shave my legs everyday, I don't want to settle for better when there's extraordinary love awaiting me.. etc.
Of course I don't believe that I am powerless in this. I am working so hard to learn more and grow to the point that I'm capable to be in an incredible relationship with an incredible person while still being incredible. But I need to be gentle with myself, and I need time. Just in writing this, it's difficult to be gentle with myself, to accept my choices, to forgive myself for my choices. I remind myself, "Progress, not perfection."

I want to turn my life around in every single way in which it is negative. Today that means I cannot run away from something as simple as the truth. I have to be brave and stay around long enough to tell the truth. Twice, in today's case. Even when it's uncomfortable, even if it means someone won't like me. Even when it means I have to accept responsibility for hurting someone. Even when my stubbornness tells me I don't have to be sorry because I didn't even realize I was doing it. I am sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry I hid. I understand how complicated I am. For all the fucked up things I think or do, I am full of as much kindness and love as I show. It's so difficult to be a person with all the best intentions who still can't keep from hurting others and herself because she doesn't know how to deal with all these feelings. Despite my flaws and my past and how it has shaped me, I won't ever give up on trying to be a better person.

( I love you more than you will ever know)

Despair [28 Feb 2015|09:19pm]
I mentioned in my last entry I only come to my journal in times of despair. I wonder if I can write as much when I'm not so feeling so desperately.
Luckily Livejournal has created prompting questions since my sad teenage hands first graced the keyboard in the one outlet through which I have been brave enough to bare all.

Are you proud of yourself? Do you feel that you've accomplished (or will accomplish) the things you want in your life? What other person are you the most proud of and why?

I am incredibly proud of myself. In this moment, I am so proud. I walked away from the most psychologically vicious relationship I could imagine, something of my nightmares. I was aware it was bad, I was preparing my exit. I'm not sure why, but I was convinced there was a certain way to go out. I had a list under the mattress of all the belongings that I had in his house so my departure, when the opportunity presented itself, would be swift and nothing would be left behind. So as to make a clean break. I have some incredible friends. Most of which I meet in my bakery and though they have no idea what my life is like outside that bakery, I know many of them think positive thoughts for me, even pray for me. Those are my friends. I don't know how or why my self-loathing began transforming to empowerment and self-love. Even while I slept next to him I was building myself up every day, and when he tried to break me down I felt nothing. When you take away a narcissist's supply, their facade quickly disappears and the real person you're dealing with emerges. So much resentment, hatred, bitterness came from him. While before I would cower at his overwhelming mind games, I used this as fuel. "Who the fuck are you to treat me with disrespect?" I told him in my head. I lost interest in the argument that would ensue had I said it out loud. It no longer became an issue of should I leave, rather, when?

One morning after giving me the silent treatment for over 24 hours, a few of the first words he said to me were "I don't really love or care about you."

At that, I silently got up, got my list, and began to pack my things. Half of them (things that would go unnoticed as packed to avoid conflict) were already in the trunk of my car, packed during the silent treatment I so cleverly used to convince myself IT'S TIME TO GO. That morning, he followed me to my car to get anything his bum ass left in there from me driving him around the past 6 months. All his ice fishing gear. Shoes. Whatever. They were already retrieved from my car waiting for him. Then he sat on the couch, turned on ESPN and watched me move out of his house and out of his life.

I've left him 3 times now. He's left me once. Every other time I entirely fell apart. I can't say the same this time. This time I was hopeful. This time I had a plan, I had a pro con list with literally ZERO pros left, he'd taken them all away as a form of power. But I had all the power, I had the knowledge of what/who I was dealing with. I had nothing to stay for. Nothing to lose. Everything to gain. Halfway through my moving checklist I wrote "No looking back." And I haven't.

So yeah. I'm incredibly proud.

( I love you more than you will ever know)

Almost three years, [26 Jan 2015|09:48pm]
it's been, since I've posted. I seem to only come to this journal in times of despair.

I set out to make a new livejournal, a fresh start. Truth be told, I haven't changed and my life now is just as troubled as it has always been. I'm much older than when I started this journal when I was 14.. I'm better equipped to handle the disappointments of life and I have a lot more responsibility now and cannot just curl into a ball for an entire weekend refusing to leave my room. But I still feel like I'm drowning in assholes. I still feel like there's this beef the universe has with me that we need to squash. That, or,
I'm leaving myself vulnerable, still. I allow myself to be treated in ways I should not, still. I have gotten better at the feeling victimized shit because I'm beginning to lose interest in all the ways things go wrong and how much they pull from me emotionally. I'm constantly torn between crossing over to numbness and not giving a fuck, as self preservation, or remaining the emotional being I've always been, I'm meant to be.

It shouldn't even be a question. I've been in a relationship with a narcissist for nearly 4 years, give or take a few of monthlong breakups. If you would have told me ten, fuck it, 6 years ago, some gorgeous guy I knew in elementary school would show up, charm the shit out of me for a while and then fuck me up in every single way possible I'd tell you fuck no, I'd never stand for that. Yet, here I am, living at his house after reconcile #4 about 6 months ago. I'd done well after our last breakup. I didn't talk to him whatsoever, at all, period. If he needed anything from my house or whatever he could go through my mom but his number was blocked, his social media accounts blocked, I was done. He sent me a gchat, the only one I hadn't blocked, telling me how bad his life was without me. I gave him some advice and encouragement but I didn't see him. The next week he called me from jail in Denver and I lost control and sight of all the progress I'd made in moving past him. I thought how much he needs me, how shitty his life became after we broke up, he must want my help if he's calling me, whatever other reason I needed to persuade the part of me trying to break the addiction to him that we should go, we should go get him. So I did. 6 months later I'm paying the rent here and I have no idea how it happened. I know exactly what and who I'm dealing with, that it won't get better, that he'll suck me dry and leave me when there's nothing left, that he doesn't value me, that he doesn't even care who I am because he's getting what he needs from me. I think 10% of me, maximum, hopes/believes there's some sort of love he has for me somehow. The rest of me realizes that's likely not the truth and I am wasting my time on a relationship going nowhere.

Who I am at my core is, more than anything, terrified of a relationship that's going somewhere.

That's why I'm still here.

( I love you more than you will ever know)

[07 Mar 2012|09:29pm]
it's all right. i found a martyr in my bed tonight. stops my bones from wondering just who i am. some nights i wish that this all would end. cause i could use some friends for a change. and some nights i'm scared you'll forget me again. some nights i always win.

i still wake up, i still see your ghost. oh lord, i'm still not sure what i stand for.

so this is it?
i sold my soul for this?
washed my hands of that for this?
i miss my mom and dad for this?

it's for the best you didn't listen.

( I love you more than you will ever know)

disaster in its prime [01 Apr 2010|11:25pm]
the world paints a picture that makes me want to run. the sun doesn't shine for me, it's a fact, i just learned to adapt and move on with it. i fight like a lover and sleep with the enemy. i want to bury every little thing that made me feel alive. i'm broken

jesus i only come here with my darkest thoughts. only when they need out of my head

my sister told me the other day that i have a habit of getting my heart broken.

(1 Will never be the same | I love you more than you will ever know)

[20 Jun 2009|09:23pm]
some are lost in emptiness.

( I love you more than you will ever know)

[13 Nov 2005|01:01pm]
1. I'm going to England in six days.
2. I'm really, really happy with my life right now.

(8 Will never be the same | I love you more than you will ever know)

[19 Aug 2005|04:49pm]
Who wants to see Death Cab October 8th?

(71 Will never be the same | I love you more than you will ever know)

Following the trend [29 Aug 2004|04:43pm]
Leave a comment with your name if you want to know what I really think of you, and I’ll reply and tell you. No lies, all honesty.

(11 Will never be the same | I love you more than you will ever know)

[06 Aug 2004|06:35pm]
Oh man. My mom is such a champ.

She takes care of me the best.


(8 Will never be the same | I love you more than you will ever know)

[22 Jun 2004|03:36pm]
[ mood | amazing ]

Dear everyone,
I'm in Spain. Right by the sea and on the beach and everything. I never want to leave. It's amazing. More amazing than amazing. And I'm quite sure the drinking age is 16 here. And if it's not, they're still serving me alcohol in pubs/bars/whatevs.

Anyway, I miss you guys. Particularly Bill. And Alysse, you're coming with me next time. I don't even know how to say sorry in Spanish.

I love you guys. Hope you're having a fantastic time in the states! I'll be home in a couple weeks.

ps-Jenna I love you

(21 Will never be the same | I love you more than you will ever know)

[04 Jun 2004|02:08pm]
I want everyone to tell me something they think about me. Anything at all.


(10 Will never be the same | I love you more than you will ever know)

[02 May 2004|11:35am]
One month, five days

(11 Will never be the same | I love you more than you will ever know)

[27 Apr 2004|07:40pm]
[ mood | I want a cigarette ]

post a memory of me in the comments:
it can be anything you want.

then post this to your journal,
and see what people remember of you.

(2 Will never be the same | I love you more than you will ever know)

[25 Apr 2004|07:48pm]

One month, one week, five days.

(17 Will never be the same | I love you more than you will ever know)

~I'm in love [11 Apr 2004|03:47pm]
[ mood | butterflies ]

If you don't comment usually, do this. This way you can't use the excuse, "I never have anything to say." Do it. All of you. Even if I don't know you. Whatevs.

1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. How long have you known me?
3. When and how did we first meet?
4. What was your first impression?
5. Do you still think that way about me now?
6. What do you think my weakness is?
7. Do you think I'll get married?
8. What makes me happy?
9. What makes me sad?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
14. Do you think I could kill someone?
15. Describe me in one word.
16. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger, weaker, or staying the same?
17. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
18. Are you going to put this on your livejournal and see what I say about you?

ENGLAND IN 1 Month, 3 Weeks, 5 Days!!

(19 Will never be the same | I love you more than you will ever know)

[17 Feb 2004|03:29pm]
Sometimes I don't wear my seatbelt. Just in case I get in an accident.

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